Why Am I Doing This Again?

I've been really doubting my hair journey these past weeks. I lost sight of why I was doing it and with other things going on in my life, I haven't had the energy to extend to taking care of my hair like I was when I first cut it....and I felt guilty about that. Which just added to my mixed feelings about why I am doing this. I haven't been getting much positive feedback about my hair. Added to that, I have no real-life positive examples of natural hair.

 I'm doing something new here I guess - expecting the world to still think I'm beautiful, attractive, pretty, sexy even with short kinky-curly hair. And I'm not feeling the love. To me, it's a part of loving everything about me that has been given through my African ancestry, and kinky-curly hair is one of them. But I am surrounded by people who not only don't love the African-ness in them, but think I'm crazy for doing so...or at least trying to. Which  makes it hard. I'm trying to re-define something not just in my mind but in theirs and expecting them to relate to me the same way and its not happening. I don't see why it can't but then I've always been more of an idealist than a realist. I suppose it doesn't matter why. It just isn't that way.

My mother is a big critic in this. I have always sensed that although she is black (of African ancestry), she has a disdain for anything that is 'too' black. Its one thing to have the broad features, the kinked hair, the dark skin, but to actually think it looks good? To flaunt it? You must be delusional. It seems that black isn't beautiful to her. At least that's what I've gotten from her. So, in my generation, to not just try to ignore that but to stand against it and ask why the hell not? Well, I'm not getting any love. Specifically, I have been made aware that my texture isn't beautiful unless it looks 'curly.' So I was discouraged.

But I haven't given up thanks to my hairspiration below. I mean I would look so awesome with this puff!